The struggle

This is part one in a three part series. I realized that I only share the good stuff on here and now that I have made it through some tough times I thought it would be good to share with you. Most of the time I never wrote about the hard times because I thought people wouldn't want to read it. So here is the the first of three parts:

To be completely honest my first 6-9 months was a massive struggle. I was not only adjusting to a new city, language, culture, co-workers, living situation, I was also struggling to accept where God had me.  The first six months I really struggled and questioned God if I was in the right location.  I had issues with not being back in Africa and I second guessed by decision frequently.  Those first few months I had to really pray through this issue and be so honest with God and prayed for acceptance and peace. I was truly at peace about where I was when we began to enter into the fall season.  I knew that God wanted me in Russia but I had to grieve that loss of not going back to Joburg and accept that for this time in my life I was suppose to be here in Russia.  The whole first year was hard overall.  Yes there were times where things were good and I was enjoying life here, but overall it was difficult.  I cried to my mom a couple times on the phone and even told her "I really dislike this place".  But because of those struggles, it made me appreciate and love this place and people more when my heart began to change and when I began to understand this culture better.   

I struggled with loneliness and prayed for the Lord to bring a true friend into my life (He did, in the form of two women and sisters in Christ and in a national friend).  The first year was hard and filled with rejection as I tried to meet people and share with them.  I am so thankful for the ministry that was already in place by the team, as that helped me to have a sense of direction and purpose amongst the rejection of people. The whole 2 years was also a time of trying different outreaches and ways to meet people, that is constantly changing and while frustrating at times it is exciting and brings variety to the work week.  Also in the beginning it was hard to adjust to the ever changing schedule that I have and trying to explain to people my schedule. I don't work a 9-5 job and it would be really frustrating trying to explain that to people (both here and in the states).

One of the biggest challenges was relearning how to be dependent on people and ask for help. With not knowing the language (and I am still working on that) I had to rely on the help of others to do small things in the beginning.  As an adult I know how to go to the Post Office, ask for meat at the store and buy groceries, but when you can't speak or understand you have to ask for help in learning what to say in these places and how to read signs.  I am very thankful for my teacher who has been very patient with me and has helped so much.  It is through having to revert back to a child like learning stage that you learn and trust and see God in a new way.  The first couple of months weren't just asking others for help it was and still is learning to fully depend on God in all situations.  If it wasn't for Him I would have had a really really hard time.  

I made it through the first year of hard times, seasonal depression, the seemingly never ending winter and darkness, challenges and frustrations and around the 9ish month mark things began to change.  Things weren't as hard and frustrating.  While those first few months were filled with struggles they also held some exciting and fun times with people and exploring the city.  I don't want you to read this and think is was all bad, it wasn't this is just a reality of my 1st year that I never really shared publicly and now that I am past it, I can fully express my throughout on that time.  Trust me things got better and 2013 brought some amazing things.

Stay tuned...

winter darkness

Winter here is dark. Plain and simple.  The sun doesn't shine that often and most days are grey and cloudy.  It is hard to understand what I mean by it's dark, unless you live in a location where the winters are dark. Until I moved here I thought I knew what a dark winter meant, but I was wrong. The months of darkness and winter can seem to drag on.  Unlike the summer where the sun is always shinning and seems to never fully set, the sun doesn't come up until late morning in the winter and sets early in the evening. This morning I went out to run some errands and thought I'd show you what a normal morning in winter is like.

8:30 am, walking to the bus stop.

8:30 am, waiting on the bus. The sky is fully dark,
the only lights are from the street lamps and car lights.

9:00 am

10:00 am. The sun is just beginning to rise.

10:30 am

11:00 am

11:00 am, the sun still isn't fully up yet.

It is almost noon before the sky is bright and the sun is shinning. Today the sky is actually blue and not grey (not long after writing this the sky turned grey and it began to snow).  Even on days when the sun comes out and the sky is blue, it still begins to get dark around 4.

2:00 pm and the sky is blue today!
Today is the only day this week it isn't
suppose to be snowing. correction, it began snowing
around 4pm. 

Seasons in Pictures

Life in the city:

Winter mornings, around 9:30 am

Russian living: The Post Office...

It is always a gamble going to the Post Office. Will it be busy, will it be empty, will I have to wait a long time, are there new people working there, what time do they close again for their break? All these questions I wonder going into the post office.  Now let me just preface this by saying that even russians say that the post office system makes no sense to them.  I went into the post office today to mail a few letters and immediately saw that there was a line (everyone was paying bills and mailing new years gifts) and I figured there would be since it is the holiday season.  I go and stand in the line for picking up or mailing letters/packages and not in the line for paying bills.  I stand wait, and wait some more. Slowly the next person goes to the counter.  I should also mention that this "line" is just a jumble of people and where you must claim your spot in line and then you can either stand/sit or leave the post office then come back and get right back in that spot.  So I wait some more and realize that there was another person in front of the woman standing in front of me, and wait some more.  More people enter the post office and ask who is last in line, the grandmother behind me, as well as a few other men behind her,  are very vocal in letting the new people know who exactly is last and the grandmother lets them know that she is behind me, the girl.  We wait some more and by now I am sweating (as it is 5 degrees Farenheiht outside and I have on my thick coat) and the grandmother behind me is saying how it is hot and there is no organization and that the organization is interesting.  I smile nod my head and mumble a couple words of acknowledgement back to her.  Slowly the time passes, more people join the line/crowd, the temperature rises and I still wait. After an hour it is finally my turn and in less then three minutes I get my stamps, pay, mail my letters and am walking back out into the sunny cold afternoon.  Minus the extra wait it was a normal trip to the post office, with each visit being a slight variation on todays trip. Don't take for granted being able to put a letter into your mailbox or have Fedex/UPS deliver a package to your door.

All who wander....

"Not all those who wander are lost."  The famous quote by J.R.R. Tolkien (I had no idea he said that until I wrote this).  I find that saying very relevant to my life here. At some point in the week you can find me wandering the city.  I just roam (as my friend Janet puts it), no where in particular, just walking around side streets and around apartments, through parks, finding nifty little shops and little pieces of beauty. As the weather changes and the leaves are turning yellow and orange it is great weather for wandering.  A time of wandering, a time of prayer, a time to be thankful and a time to pray for a city that is lost, and a city that the Lord has used to change and mold me.  I will never be able to fully express in words the struggles, joys, and growth that has occurred during my time here, just like I will never be able to fully express the beauty, frustration, love, weird time warp and unexpectedness that this city and country hold.  So for now I wander the streets, praying, taking in every smell, site and ray of light, for soon the time will come when I will no longer be able to wander the streets and wonder many things or sit and read a book in my favorite park or coffee shop. More importantly there will soon be a time when I can no longer meet face to face with the people that I have gotten to know here, so for now I will soak up as much time with them as I can. I wander but am not lost.

Winter in coming...

August is almost over and it is feeling like fall. In the span of a week the temperature has dropped, the grey skies have rolled in, and the sun continues to shine less and less.  During my time here I have observed that people here will say with this ominous voice "winter is coming..."and it could be two days after the snow has melted, the first day of spring or even at the height of summer, there seems to be this constant looming death of sunshine just over the horizon.  In full disclosure I am a huge fan of summer here, it is one of my favorite seasons.  The sun is out about 20 hours a day, it doesn't get exceptionally hot, everything is green, lush and colorful, it is like you are living in a completely different world compared to winter.  That doesn't mean that I don't have my moments of complaints when it is 2 am and I am trying to sleep but my bedroom is full of light.

Winter here is such a stark contrast to summer. Nothing and I mean nothing can prepare you for the months of darkness.  I can handle the ridiculous cold temperatures but the darkness consumes everything and engulfs the world around you. Already the days are shorter, the temperature has begun to drop and the sun is quickly disappearing.  I do like winter here, but once there is snow on the ground and there are some days of blue skies and sunshine (but that usually means incredibly cold temperatures) but to get to that point you have to make it through fall.  Fall here is not pretty, there are maybe two weeks where the leaves are pretty, the rest of the time it is ugly and depressing. Every week in the fall the majority of the days are grey, cold (and in the later part of fall the same temperatures that I experience during winter in America) and usually rainy.

Winter is coming, so break out the Vitamin D, grab a scarf and hat, brace yourself for the darkness and heat up the kettle and settle in for a season of mass tea consumption. Adventure awaits...

White Mountain Monastery

Perched atop a hill in the Ural mountains sits the stoic Belogrosky Monastery.  With its gold dome toppers glistening in the sun (which can be seen from miles away) this monastery is considered the largest cathedral in the Urals.  

The building of this monastery began in 1902 with completion in 1917.  Not long after its completion the Revolution broke out and what was once a safe haven for monks turned into an execution site.  As you walk the perimeter of the monastery you will find a couple of places where the bullet holes still remain in the wall.  During the Revolution, the priests and monks that were part of the monastery where killed when they refused to denounce their faith.  

The persecution, killing, and imprisonment of believers would extend throughout Russia and would continue until the 1990's.  The majority of the icons in the church were torn down and destroyed, but some icons were taken by villagers who then buried them in the ground in order to try and save them from being destroyed by the Red Army.

After the Revolution White Mountain Monastery was turned into a psychiatric hospital and then used for shell shocked patients during the Great Patriotic War (WWII).  In the late 1970's a patient residing in the monastery set fire to the roof, resulting in the monastery being abandoned.  A group of monks banned together and started to work on restoring the monastery back to its full splendor in 1993.  Today the scaffolding remains as renovation is still being completed, but the church is a full fledged working Orthodox church.

View from the Monastery. On a clear day it is said you can see for miles.

To enter the Orthodox church you have to wear a head covering, but what we didn't know was that even though we were wearing long pants we still had to wear a skirt.  The church provides wrap skirts for women to wear.

The Funeral Part 2

Mounds of dirt cover the fields, space only wide enough to walk through, wild flowers and weeds choke out the names of those buried, freshly decorated and dug graves wither in the sunlight as men stop digging long enough for families to bury their loved ones.  The cemetery just outside the city limits is debated to be one of the largest in the country, I do not know how accurate that is but this is what everyone tells me.  As we walked and drove through the gridded cemetery we pass new quadrants full of those who had been buried just this month.  Families come and go visiting the graves of their relatives, stopping to visit and have a picnic.  Graves are covered in flowers, candy, candles and other things that the family leaves for their loved ones.  This is a cultural norm to go and visit the grave and have a picnic. There is a special day during the year that is dedicated to going to the cemetery and visiting the grave and cleaning up the area around the grave (if the family does not take care of the grave and the area around it then no one will and the weeds and wild flowers will over take the area).

A place stretching over a vast amount of square kilometers (I do not know the actual count, just that it is large and you can get lost driving around the cemetery) holds the remains of those lost to age, disease, alcohol and drugs, murders, plane crashes and club fires (these last two have special memorials for those killed in the plane crash and club fire).  Like the funeral I attended months ago the process of burial seemed more business like then an actual funeral, as families come and the men digging graves beside their family members grave stop long enough for the family to place the coffin in the ground and say some words. Then as the family leaves the men get back to digging, or if the grave site is a few graves away the men will continue to dig different graves.

The memorial dedicated to those who died in the plane crash

 Tombstones also range in intricacy as some are just simple wooden crosses with the name and date on them, other are made out of marble with just a name and date, and other are made out of marble with a picture of the person on them (some are engraved with a life size photo of the person).  We spent a good amount of time driving around this cemetery and we only saw the tombstones of those who had died in the past 20 years.  A whole other section across the main road holds those buried before 1990.

As you read through this and view the photos, remember to stop and pray for those living in the city who do not yet know their creator.

English Camp

The last part of June took me to Siberia to help with an English Camp.  Earlier in the year Layna, Janet and I had been asked to go to a city in Siberia to help with an English Camp.  A group of Americans were coming to teach English and help the local church hold an English school and asked if we would like to join them.  Now up until the time I left I always knew that Russia was a massive country, but I soon understood just how large.  We traveled 28 hours by train to Novosibirsk (the third largest city in Russia) and then four hours by car/bus to the city where we would be having camp.  28 hours by train and we had only covered a small portion of land.  The landscape of Russia is gorgeous and while the part that I saw was mainly flat land and rolling hills, birch trees made up the majority of the trees and endless fields with wild yellow and purple flowers scattered the horizon.  As the train made its way through different stations we passed through small villages.

We arrived in the city and met up with the Americans we would be working with and we were able to attend the Sunday service at the local church.  Unlike the English camp I was a part of last year, this camp was planned and handled by the members of the local church. All we had to do was show up and teach English, which made for a really relaxing and more enjoyable time to just sit and get to know the people there instead of having to worrying about having to lead and plan the camp.

The main building we met in for large group

Learning about different Worldviews

Janet and I co-taught the beginners English class and we were very fortunate to have Olga translate for us.  It was a lot of fun and we had some really sweet people in our class and it was an enjoyable and growing time.  Our days were spent teaching English, talking with people, playing games, listening to Ray teach about worldviews and using every opportunity to share the gospel.  We also spent almost every minute swatting away mosquitoes, but even they didn't put a damper on our fun.  Also in the stereotype of Siberia, it was cold/cool most of the camp.

Some of the girls from my English Class

Olga, she translated for us during class

I was reminded once again of God's glorious creation while there.  The camp which was situated on a river made for some of the most wonderful evening/night sunsets that I have seen.  I am continuously being shown the beauty of Russia, whether through the people, a song, or a beautiful sunset there is much beauty here.

One of the many colorful evening/night skies

My cabin for the week

Христос воскрес

Христос воскрес!- Christ is risen!

On May 5 we celebrated Easter.  The Lord blessed us with a beautiful day and great weather.  In russian tradition it is customary that when you greet a person on Easter you say (all in russian of course) "Christ is Risen" and they respond "Christ has risen indeed".  It doesn't matter if people are atheists, orthodox, lutheran or whatever they will say this to you on Easter.  It is interesting that in country where the percentage of believers make up less then 1% of the population everyone will tell you that Christ is risen on this day.  Thus leading into a great conversation about what that saying is really about.

We started off our Easter celebration with an dunking, followed by a service and a picnic by the river.  This was a great time of fellowship and time to worship by the river.  This past year has really shown me what it means in Acts when it describes the chrch.  It isn't about the building but the body of believers and the studying of the word.

Things I learned during the winter

Since winter is almost over I thought I would share a just a few things that I have learned this winter. With the changing of the seasons also comes a new learning curve and this winter brought a new wave of weather and learning.  Here are a few things that I have learned so far this winter:

1. You have to learn to walk on the constantly changing terrain of packed snow/ice on the side walks and roads.
2. Breath through your nose, not through your mouth.  Apparently it is better for you.  Some days your nose hair does freeze when you breath, but that is better then the coughing that happens when you take a deep breath of cold air.
3. Your scarf will also double as a face mask and yes you will look weird with only your eyes showing but at least you are warm.
4. Somehow the women here still look really fashionable in their winter outfits and their high heel shoes. I just look like the Michaeline man.
5. You will slip and slide as you walk.  Sometimes you will fall but you just get back up and keep on walking, just at a slower pace.
6. At the right temperature the snowflakes look unreal and are so vividly beautiful that you can see every tiny detail on each unique snowflake.  Just a reminder of how awesome God is.
7. On some days your legs and face will go numb after five minutes, that is ok, you will warm up later. Just keep moving, you will be fine.
8. It will not snow once the temperature drops below a certain point, but this means that it will be sunny with blue skies.
9. Don't walk close to the buildings.  Some of the icicles hanging from the buildings are massive and are known to kill people every year in Russia.  So take the warning from the mom in A Christmas Story when she says "Those icicles have been known to kill".
10. Not all thermal pants are created equal.

The Funeral

We stood in the back, squeezed between six other groups of families and friends mourning the death of their loved ones. The candles in our hands lit,  our heads covered in scarfs, and the priest reciting different prayers from a book (chanting then followed each prayer) and performing the traditional funeral ceremony.  The caskets lay in the front as the immediate family surrounded them.  Our friend Angela's grandmother had died last weekend and we went to support her at the funeral.  This is the first funeral that I have attended since being here, and this was also the first non-believers funeral.  What do you say to someone who's loved one just died and they weren't a believer?  All the encouraging words or sayings weren't appropriate.  So we told her we loved her and were praying for her, because that is all we could do.  We couldn't tell her that her grandmother was no longer suffering or that she was in a better place, because her grandmother wasn't a believer.

Funerals in this culture are different.  In a culture that values the group above the individual I shouldn't have been surprised when the priest was doing a group funeral for Angela's grandmother and six other families.  Being at Angela's grandmother's funeral was a reminder of just how many lost people there are here in this city and country.  Not only here but around the world.  So be in pryer for Angela and her family as they go through the grieving process and that during this time their hearts would be turned to the Father.

Storying

A year ago if you asked if I thought we would use storying here to spread the word I would have said no.  Storying can be used anywhere and is a great way to spread the word.  A couple weeks ago we started to story here.  Our group isn't big, in fact we only have two locals coming.  Small yes, but we know that they need to hear the word and so we share.  We are praying that as time goes on more will come.